Mea Culpa!

Your control-freak benevolent dictator must apologize for the grave delay in archiving the delightful celebration of Maria's birthday, and she begs forgiveness from you all. Of course, if you don't forgive her, she'll just delete you from the blog. It's good to be the queen-bitch!

Dateline: Friday, June 13, 2003 -- 11:00 p.m.
Event: Maria's Birthday (I'll let her tell you how old)
Location: Friendly's in Pittsford
In attendance: Maria(duh), Cheryl, Cheryl's Mom BJ, Mary Rose, Lynne, Jessica (who was also celebrating her last day of high school EVER!)

Everyone went to see Suds, The Musical at the theater, since I was playing gee-tar in the pit. After, we blow out of the theater and the opening night festivities of free wine, and head to Friendly's. We enter the Friendly's and it's jam packed. I ask for a child-free zone. What are kids doing up this late anyway? We sat for awhile, then our waitress, Rachele, came over to apologize, saying she and the other waitress weren't sure who's turn it was. Maria says "And you lost the coin toss, right?" Rachele is very nice and puts up with our incessant requests for all kinds of stupid shit.

Cheryl and her mom, BJ

As soon as we're seated, Maria, Jessica and Lynne grab the crayons and start coloring the little cute placemats with little bears eating ice cream on them. So much for a child-free zone! But they're all so adorable anyway. And Maria, being the excellent artist she is, colors magnificently, and even improvizes on the drawings a little. She is sitting there admiring her work when the waitress comes by and sets a 7-UP smack dab on the placemat, right on the bear's little butt. Maria lets out this very high-pitched gasp and her mouth gapes in horror! The waitress, concerned, says "What's the matter?" Maria is speechless and doesn't move. I tell the waitress "You put her wet drink on her artwork!" The waitress apologizes, and offers to bring her a new placemat. I tell her, "You can replace the mat but the artwork cannot be replaced! It's tantamount to spitting on the Mona Lisa!" She has a sense of humor, our Rachele, and she laughs, but is truly contrite. Our Gemini Maria is soon distracted by something else and quickly forgets her trauma.

Jessica and Lynne

At 11:23, Lisa (*dreamy sigh*) calls, and all the girls begin to make fun of me. Apparently my face flushes when Lisa calls. Hmm. They torture me mercilessly, and Lisa talks to Maria for awhile, while I try to regain my natural pasty color. Then Rachele comes by to take our orders. We all order food (except for Cheryl and BJ who ate earlier) because we're so damn hungry. I won't bore you with those details. Burgers, Fries, blah blah blah. So we'll skip to the ice cream part!

Cheryl: her usual - Caramel Fudge Blast
Maria - Lemon Merengue Sundae
Leah - Mud Pie Madness (basically a brownie sundae)
Lynne - Black Raspberry/Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Sundae with M&M's.
BJ - Hot Fudge with Chocolate Almond Chip Sundae
Mary Rose - orders the same as BJ. Mary Rose always gets what someone else gets.
Jessica - Hot Fudge Sundae with NO whipped cream.

We all give our cherries to Maria, so to speak. And she ties all the stems with her tongue!!

The stems in question

So we're eating and are appalled to see that Lynne's scoop of cookie dough ice cream was barely a spoonful. However there are no other complaints, and may I say that those are some of the best brownies I've ever tasted.

Mary Rose

So I'm nagging Maria to open her damn presents, and she won't. Like she's some Scorpio with a secret or something! Maybe just a little self-conscious? Maria doesn't like anyone to fuss over her. She surreptitiously opens a card though when no one is looking.

They say you're supposed to get sex on your birthday, so I guess she did, in a way. Anyway, Mary Rose gave her this cool Ice Cream Sandwich Maker, ice cream not included. I gave her the lamest gift ever, I ain't even gonna say. And Cheryl gave her this most beautiful necklace that she handmade herself:

The necklace Cheryl made for Maria. Don't let this image fool you with the amputated-looking hand. It's been edited for you to see both sides of the necklace's amulet. Isn't it beautiful?

So after about an hour goes by of our antics, our crude comments and my foul mouth and our general "not-for-public-consumption" disgusting humor, we notice the place is almost empty. I guess we cleared 'em out. You know a table full of mostly lesbians is an awesome event. (And those who aren't lesbians love to take part in our lesbian comments.) Poor Cheryl and her mom. Especially Cheryl. We need to find another nice straight girl to join the club so she can have someone to commiserate with.

So, now we're done. Well, what's a gang o' goils with high ICF's to do? Well, the usual of course. Hit the porn shop du jour. But we're a little not sure if BJ's gonna go for it. Can ya imagine, going to a porn shop with your mom? BJ was a good sport, she said what the hell! And off we went, to the big one on the west side. And we all agree, what a beautiful place it is! Very clean and neat and organized, no back alley giz-rooms, a cool black/white checkered floor. It was FABulous! Right away the guy in there says he needs to see Lynne and Jessica's ID. Lynne complies, but Jessica says she doesn't have her's with her. He says "how old is she" to all of us, and Jess chimes in, as confident as you please "I'm 18". He looks at all of us and says if you all say she's 18, then okay. We all say okay!

So, we all immediately head into the lingerie room first. Lots of nice stuff there that you have to be 100 pounds to wear. But nice to look at anyway. Then they have cute little things, like funny key chains and bumper stickers and temporary tattoes. BJ bought some tattooes for the grandkids! Then we head over to the magazine/video section and wander for a bit. Jessica is traumatized as usual by the freaky sex toys and walks around with her arms crossed the whole time.

Then we see it at the far end. A separate room called "The Male Room". All gay men stuff. Well, Mary Rose and I make a beeline for it! In we walk, and on opposite walls are video screens showing fag porn! So Mary Rose and I are like at a tennis match, looking to the left video, then to the right video, then the left, then the right! And we see tiny little cameras set up right under the screens, where the clerk can watch our expressions as we watch the videos! I think that was a little too much for some people who left the room. Well, actually, everyone left the room except me and Mary Rose. But we finally did, then Mary Rose was looking at harnesses and such and I was giving her quite a bit of information on them - quality, leather, types of hookups, sizes, good websites, etc. etc, and I think BJ was within earshot, and I'm sure she decided that, what with my mouth and sexual perversions, I am indeed the most vulgar person she's ever met. Which I am. I don't deny it.

So after awhile Cheryl and her mom left first, and the rest of us hung out for just a little while longer. We paid for our purchases (again, I will not tell who got what. There is a strict code of silence on this!) The guy at the checkout heard that it was Maria's birthday and he gave her a gum ball. The kind with dirty little phrases on it. I think her's said "Muff diver". And he said he wished he could give her a little better gift from the store, but the powers that be were always watching the cameras and stuff. But he did tell us about Ladies Night at the store, where you can get a discount on Tuesdays! 'Course, ladies night at a porn store could be very scary, if you know what I mean. Anyway, he was a very nice and respectful guy. Not a lech like you'd expect at a store like this.

So that was our big event! Except to say that I drove Jessica home and Mary Rose to her car, which was nearby Jessica's house, and while we were saying our long chatterbox goodbyes, a cop pulled up behind us and shined his lights on us! That's because we were in front of a business, and we were kind of loitering in a running car. So the cop runs my plate, then comes up and says, "What's up, ladies?" And I explained that we had gone out and I was dropping my friend off at her car. And he says, "Oh, you're the designated driver?" And I said "Designated?! Nobody's been drinking! We're all hopped up on Ice Cream!" And he laughed and I said that we were doing a typical chatty-girl 20-minute goodbye. So he said to have a nice evening and to drive safely. He was really nice, and didn't even ask me for my license or anything. So we made haste out of there, and that was the real end to the evening!